Sniffin' Euros

The Euro

It has been found that 94% of Euro notes in Spain contain traces of Cocaine. The Average Euro note contains 25.18 micrograms. If this is true one could collect the particles and turn a fast buck. But how many notes would you need to collect a gram of 'Charly'.

1g / 25.18µg = 39,683

6% of notes would not carry any so total notes needed would be 42,215

The lowest denomiation of Euro tested is the 10- Euro note so you would need to borrow 422,220- Euros from the bank in 'Used' notes to obatain a gram of Cocaine. Which has a street value of 350- Euros.

If the Spaniards were not sniffing so hard it might become more attractive but at the moment I would stick to your regular dealer.

Tree

The Pride of Eydelgaard

I have to walk past this tree when I do the recycling. What a magnificent specimen. No idea what it is though. Could be an Oak, an Elm, a Beach or an Ash. There was once a documentary on local Maastricht TV about a man who has to log the condition and location of all significant trees in the city. I bet he would know.


Ayyy saw yah! Ayy saw yah! Recycling ye were!

Lock up your Rabbits

Haverton Hill Incenerator. Havvie Hill was made infamous by Auf Wiedersehn Pet
Series 3 when Dennis says 'What next a visit to Haverton Hill glue Factory'

An Eagle Owl has been spotted in Middlesbrough Town Centre yesterday. It apperently tried to attack a local businessman on his way from the office.

Eagle owls don't live in the UK naturally (only by captivity) and strangely enough the nearest known breeding pair nests in Maastricht. In the Saint Pietersburg area around a Marlstone (concrete) quarry owned by ENCI.

Saint Pietersburg is an historic area of Maastricht as it was built as the front line defence for the Limburg area from the Spaniards, Romans and Belgians. A bit like a ancient immigration office.

The Eagle Owl is quite a ferocious creature and has been known to kill other birds of prey to obtain exclusitivity of it's hunting area. The Gazette has slowly exagerated the killing power of the bird throughout the day. It is now capable of killing deer.

When the BBC visited the Maastricht pair they found limbs of rabbits and savaged wings of large birds below the nesting area.


Eagle Owls nest dangerously close to Belgians. It is planned to turn
the ENCI quarry into a water recreational area once the Marlstone is exhausted.

Gary's GoogleEarth Game

Miss USA ® "Trumped"

Tara Connor, she looks such a wholesome gal.

Miss USA, Tara Connor, has been given a stern telling off by Donald Trump the owner of the 3 beauty pageants, Miss Universe ® Miss USA ® and Miss Teen USA ®. She has been allegedly knocking back the liqueur, partaking in illegal substances and lezza snogging with Miss Teen USA ® in Trump Tower.

A tearful Tara thanked Mr Trump for giving her a second chance and promised she is going to better herself and become 'the best Miss USA you have ever seen'. Awwwww!

Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA

Crap Service

Beter Bed, A crap company

2 months ago we went and bought a bed from 'Beter Bed' (Best Beds) in Maastricht. The sales guy was pretty nice and we soon found a bed to our liking and the major selling point for us was that it would be delivered and constructed by Beter Bed for free.

I was extremely surprised to hear that it would take over two months before delivery. But because of the extra incentive that they would construct it we decided to go for it.

They arrived this morning, two burley guys, shot it all in flat packs into the bedroom in 10 minutes and buggered off. I was out shopping so it was up to the other half to ask why they wouldn't put it together. They said their delivery note said delivery only.

I rang Beter Bed and asked what was going on. They said there was a mistake and that with such a bed they would never suggest, or expect, 'self-build' and tried to give some tips on constructing the bed as if we wanted them to do it it would not be possible for another 4-6 weeks. He did offer us a matress cover for free though, How Kind!.

So 4-5 hours later we had managed to get the bed together, bar a few securing brakets, which the instructions described so badly we decided to wait for the free matress cover to check out how they should be fitted.

While we were constructing the bed the bottom base fell on our cat and he went into 'spook house' for the rest of the day. Which ended up him falling into the pond. So I mailed the wonderful 'Beter Bed' and asked for some compensation rather than a 10-Euro mattress cover. 100 Euros at least for sweets for the puss who is still in a sulk.

Crap Inventions

I can't believe I bought this. Was a kind of a novelty impulse buy hoping our cat would entertain us. Turns out it's a pile of old crap, destined for eBay and the next mug.

I present 'Smart Cat'. I'm glad to see they didn't ™ it. Would have been a waste of Prolink Internationals money


Shit in a box

The idea is that as your cat approaches the bowl the lid raises up revealing din-dins then when it walks away the lid shuts again. Simple but ingenious I thought popping it in my trolley at the DIY store. In the summer it'll keep off the flies, keep the food fresh. What the ingenious boffins forgot to factor into the equation is that cats are jumpy creatures and they don't like being repeatedly twatted in the face by a metal lid.

So after about 4 attempts 'Spike' had decided he wasn't playing ball with this device and won't go anywhere near it. To prove why it doesn't work I "youtubed" Spike. He was hungry and with a few tasty biscuits in the fly-trap and 10 minutes cautious walking around it he went in again.

Pot Noodles and Fireworks

Fuel of Britain apparently (I thought that was half a loaf and a packet of crisps)

After dropping the other half off in town for a spot of Christmas shopping I decided to be a devil and visit the English Shop for an unhealthy lunch of a Pot Noodle and a can of Lilt.

My mother used to tell me that Pot Noodles were the work of the 'devil'. It is pretty evil that you have to wait so long to prevent burning your mouth before you can start on them.

Driving back drooling over the oncoming monosodium glutamate fest I passed a large imitation firework outside the local toy shop so decided to go in and purchase the New Year's Eve fireworks. I have left this task till the last minute before and it can be a nightmare in this shop. Literally 100's of people scrambling for the counter. They gut the shop from toys as there is no other way of fitting the hoards in.

So I made a choice for some cheap selection pack from the display then went to ask for them. Only to be told you can't buy any fireworks until the 28th December. This is to prevent kids wandering the streets with 'vuurwerken' for the next two weeks. Oh and don't try and buy them on the 31st as thats a Sunday. It is illegal in Holland to let off fireworks on any other day than the 31st December.

He gave me a brochure and order form and pointed me to the website, where he said I could watch footage of the more expensive items in the brochure. (Not the one I was going to buy).

So I sat down with my 'fuel of Britain' pot and watched the fancy fireworks.

The firework of choice in Maastricht on the 31st December is the chinese firecracker style rolls that you lay on the floor. And for only 50 Euros you can purchase the 'Super Celebration', which has approximately 10,000 bangs. I am planning on buying on of these and then taking back the charred red remains and demanding a refund as we all only counted 9,995.

After finishing the Noodles I had to let the cat in as he was crying at the front door. Some kids had just let off a rocket and it exploded right above his head.

Mindless Entertainment, and a lot of clearing up for the council in the morning

Sports Personality of the Year

This year I think the best choice is not to vote. I know it's supposed to be about personality, but as ever the 'powers that be' have gone with what they think are the best achievers in sport this year.

the candidates :

1: Jenson Button


113 attempts before achieveing a grand prix win in Hungary this year

2: Joe Calzaghe


A boxer


3: Darren Clarke


One of the favourites unfortunately due to the loss of his wife Heather. The News of the World (scum) printed a story this morning about Darrens new partner insinuating it might be too soon to have another relationship following the death of his wife. Nice timing!


4: Nicole Cooke


For me Nicole deserves to win, Before Cooke, no man or woman from Britain had even made the top 20 of the world road race rankings, but she topped them. A sport we have never been much cop at and now the world no.1. But have you ever heard of her.?


5: Ricky Hatton


Another Boxer

6: Andy Murray


He cuts his own hair you know!. Deserves to win by defeating Roger Federer alone.


7: Monty Panesar


The turbanator, who has not even started in an ashes test as yet.


8: Zara Phillips


Royal horse totty, who will be the best dressed tonight. "Mummy won it in '71 so why shouldn't one prevail"


9: Phil Taylor


Probably the best darts player in the world. And owner of the worst tattoe in the world.
13 times World Champion and on the board of directors at Sky TV.


10: Beth Tweddle


Also another deserved winner in that she has succeeded at a sport we are pants at. It takes 3 shire horses to pull Beth's hair into position before a competition. She will be trying to outshine Zara Phillips tonight with a black number, and loose hair as the horses were not allowed to attend

The bookies have it at:

Darren Clarke 1/9
Zara Phillips 6/1
Joe Calzaghe 14/1
Monty Panesar 40/1
Andy Murray 40/1
Phil Taylor 80/1
Jenson Buttom 100/1
Beth Tweddle 100/1
Ricky Hatton 100/1
Nicole Cooke 100/1

Cheap Video

Lancaster Bomber

Two different satellite photos of the same location, the corner of Lake Way and Hayeswater in Huntingdon, taken around the same time but 1 striking difference.

View from Virtual Earth:

View from Google Earth:

Spot the difference.

The second one features the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Avro Lancaster, the City of Lincoln pictured below. It was discovered by a resident of one of the houses in the photo while he was trying to locate his place of residence.


'the City of Lincoln'

The plane was used in the film Guns of Navarone


Guns of Navaron featuring David Niven, Gregory Peck and Anthony Quinn.

The 'Guns' featured Greek actreess Irene Papas who also starred in Captain Corelli's Mandolin and was was once dubbed by Catherine Hepburn as "one of the best actresses in the history of cinema"


Irene Papas

Flying Bedrooms

Sometimes during the day I listen to the local airport's Air Traffic Control Tower's transmissions from my upstairs office. I can see the aircraft taking off and landing (depending on the wind direction) so like to know what is coming next.

Maastricht-Aachen Airport (Almost inappropriately named as Durham Tees Valley Airport) is not a busy place. It has 2 passengers routes, Berlin and Amsterdam. Around 12 routes for charters during the holiday season and a steady cargo haul to places like Nairobi, Istanbul and Pskov.

It also houses a couple of aviation companies, one that paints and one that maintains and converts planes. So it is not perculiar for an arriving plane instead of taking off again after 1 hour to disappear for a few days. One such plane was a Flyjet B767 reg G-FJEC which landed on the 27th November.


G-FJEC B767 as it was

Today the plane re-emerged from the hanger of the painting company in new Silverjet colours. It is the first plane ever to display silverjet's colours. Silverjet is a new airline founded by Lawrence Hunt are looking to revolutionise the business travel sector.

When it did reveal it's new look the plane had also a new registration G-SJET. An obvious sign that Silverjet are looking to attract the business person to its seats. Personalised Mercedes owners should only travel on personalised planes.

For an hour or so the plane flew around in the CTR (control zone) of Maastricht airport whilst being photogrpahed for the marketing bods at Silverjet before leaving to land at Luton Airport.



G-SJET B767 first flown 07.12.2006 Thanks to Bjorn van Velpen for the picture

Silverjet will not start flying until the 25th January 2007. The first route is Luton Airport to New York (Newark). The plane (normally a 300 seater) will only house 100 passengers on 75" flatbed convertible seats. Check-in time will be 30 minutes through a private terminal. The price for a seat/bed around £999.


A similar seat/bed that will be onboard Silver Jets 767's

7 more planes are due to land at Maastricht to be painted in the coming months. I think Silverjet is going places. In honour of this first inaugural flight I think we should commemorate it by a short clip of the Cats UK singing the 70's hit 'Luton Airport'

I wanna be an Astronaut or an Accountant

Words from my mouth in 1981 in Mrs Burtons first registration lesson when I had to introduce myself to the rest of M1 form class.

The former I never really thought I would ever achieve but the latter was probably more likely. I hadn't planned on mentioning accountancy but a fellow pupil asked before me, Nicholas Johnson, had done so mentioning his Father was one so he wanted to follow in his footsteps and that made me quickly add it to my list.

I didn't really know what I wanted to do at 11 or even at 18 when I picked Air Traffic Control and Ordanance Survey. Well I suppose I kind of achieved one of them even if it isn't that fruitful.

Six years earlier a young Saltburn lad may have also announced his ambition to be an astronaut and this Thursday at 2:30 GMT he will be lifting off from the Kennedy Space Centre in the Discovery Space Shuttle on a 12 day mission to the International Space Station.


Nicholas Patrick

The Astronaut in question is Nicholas Patrick. He will be the fourth Brit to visit space but the first one born in Saltburn oddly enough. His CV shows that he studied Mechanical Engineering, the same subject I ended up taking. I dropped out thinking I didn't want to be an engineer. Neither did Nick apparently.

Boro Bridges

Fach Me

Cosmos 1544 Moon Fly-by

I was bored this early evening so was looking on the fantastic Heavens Above Website to see what else is interesting to see apart from the old Iridum Flares. They also show all the over flying satellites which don't flare as such but are just very visible. I remember when I was young seeing these slow moving stars in the skys and having many discussion about what they were.
I think we decided they were comets.


So I picked an easy one to spot. Cosmos 1544 as it was bright with a magnitude of -'4.4'. For the un-nerdy out there.

Examples of magnitude values for well-known objects are;
Sun -26.7 (about 400 000 times brighter than full Moon!)
Full Moon -12.7
Brightest Iridium flares -8
Venus (at brightest) -4.4
International Space Station -2
Sirius (brightest star) -1.44
Limit of human eye +6 to +7
Limit of 10x50 binoculars +9
Pluto +14
Limit of Hubble Space Telescope +30






Satellite Mag Time Alt Dir Peak Alt Dir Leaves Alt Dir
Cosmos 1544 Rocket 4.4 18:46:22 10° S 18:50:43 56° E 18:51:12 52° ENE


The Sky chart said it would be passing right by the moon which we can clearly see from the back garden at the moment so thought it would be an easy one to choose. And right on queue Mr Cosmos 1544 turned up.

Cosmos 1544 was launched into orbit on March 15th 1984 by Tsylkon 3 from the : Plesetsk launch site in Russia. It takes 96.80 mins to circumnavigate the globe.






Tylskon 3


Plesetsk Launch Site Russia.

Potter to join forces with Malfoy?

Yesterday the results of the general election were announced here in Holland. The Prime Ministers' party the 'CDA' (Christian Democrats) won but without a significant majority for government so they will have to negotiate with more than one of the other parties to form a coalition with 76 seats of the 150 needed to control the 'Tweede Kamer', (House of Representatives - UK House of Parliament).

I presume the CDA will be getting into bed again with the VVD but that will only make 63 seats leaving 13 more to lok for. Whatever happens the Dutch are going to end up with such a fragmented government that I can't see any voter being that impressed. "That's not what it said on the packet!"

My Suggestion: (seeing how I'm not allowed to vote after living here for 12 years) The CDA stick with the VVD , join up with the 'Christian Union' and the 'Party for animals' taking them to 71 seats. Then the master stroke. We all know Prime Minster, Jan Peter Balkenende, is know as 'Harry Potter', well the 'Party for Freedom' leader, Geert Wilders, will soon be known as 'Draco Malfoy'. So keep your enemies close to you Harry and get the Slythrin on board.

Harry Potter - Dracos Malfoy



Jan Peter Balkenende - Geert Wilders

Good Cop, Bad Cop

The CEO of Ebay, Meg Whitman, kindly sent me a certificate this morning to mark my arrival into the eBay community. So kind. Little did she know, the same hour, I also received a email from the accounts department saying my eBay account had been blocked for further usage due to an unpaid invoice of £10 which had been open for a month.

The reason I haven't paid the invoice is that Paypal, eBays preferred method of payment have also blocked my account for depositing money to Ladbrokes. Paypal have told me this is forbidden but still it states on Laddies website that they accept paypal payments.

I have been now busy for 1 month trying to resolve the paypal problem, by faxing bank statements, copies of passports, etc to the USA, to convince them my £20 transfer was not the act of espionage.

Maybe rather than a certificate of celebrating 100 sales on eBay I should be given a EAIT certificate. Commendation for Enduring the Actions of Intolerable Twats.

I love t'internet me!

Runway Incursion

This picture is not relevant just thought it was jolly nice

I received a terrifying press release today to place on my 'other' website. It was concerning a runway incursion in Chicago in July this year involving a B747 and a B737. Since the worst ever aviation disaster in 1977 in Tenerife caused by a runway incursion lots of thought and innovation has been put into systems to avoid 2 aircraft being on the same runway at the same time.

Ground Movement Radars, Enhanced Surface Markings Project. There is currently a new project to develop a lighting system that will light the runway red should a runway incursion beome a possibility so the pilot will at least ask the control tower 'should i really be taking off?'.

At Chicago O'Hare they have some systems to help controllers detect incursions but on the day in question the most important one was not working and even so experts have said it would not have prevented a collision in this incident. Unfortunately you can never stop human error with all the systems in the world. A disaster was only prevented by the pilot rotating the B737 earlier than normal to avoid colliding with the aircraft that had just landed and was basically on the runway in front of him. They missed eachother by 35ft. (equivalent to 5 tallboys).

The most surprising thing about the video of this incident is the real voice recording of the pilot. I would have imagined his heart was in his mouth , but instead he casually replies to the screaming controllers "STOP STOP STOP!" with a cool as you like "don’t worry we got him".

Nunthorpe School produces Miss Great Britain - Preeti Desai

Miss GB 2006

Preeti Desai was crowned Miss Great Britain at the weekend. Preeti, a 24 year old stunner, from Guisborough was a former Nunthorpe School pupil. If it wasn't for Teddy Sheringham, Preeti would have never won the coveted title.

Sheringham, the 40 year old 'veteran' striker saw fit to award his maximum 12 points to Miss Warrington, aka Danielle Lloyd, a 23 year old shapely beauty from Liverpool. The problem was that the ageing football star forgot to reveal he was dating the scouse stunner.

Eventually she was stripped of her crown and the voting was re-staged with our Boro 'knock-out' topping the totty league table. Well done Preeti!

Check out her myspace site Is that the real Mark Schwarzer leaving her a message on the 12th October?


Miss GB 2006. Cheers Teddy Boy!

Broadsword calling Danny Boy

'Do you actually have a broad 'sword' Dicky?'......"Oh yes!, just ask Liz"

For almost a year now we've had digital TV, offering a wide range of channels for your viewing pleasure. The main reason I signed up for it was BBC3 and BBC Prime. BBC3 at the time was showing comedies 6 months prior to them being released on terrestrial TV in order to seduce the UK public on to digital. But as it seemed to succeed they are not doing this anymore so BBC3 is now a "oh bugger I missed that and we don't have a HDD in our DVD player so we can catch the repeat on BBC3" channel.

BBC Prime on the other hand is a godsend. Gone are the days of watching crappy daytime TV. With Prime you can catch My Family, 2.4 Children, Only Fools and Horses, Casualty repeats every afternoon. My afternoons are no longer fuelled by improving my knowledge of property vaules or how collectable a Two-handled Jubilee Mug is.

Along with Hustler tv another channel I Never watch is TCM (Turner Classic Movies) . A movie channel that serves up American crappy movies mostly. But this afternoon they treated us to Where Eagles Dare. Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood defeating the Germans on their todd.

Tomorrow TCM will be treating us to a small independent movie from India titled 'The Crazy Street'. X-Box are rumoured to be making a new game inspired by this short film.

Here's a clip

The Leonids, Shart & a £17m Apple Tree

The Orionids dissapointed but the Leonids are on the way

Last Month the Orionids meteor shower was a little dissapointing as clouds obscured the skies, but this month we will be treated to another chance for fireworks when the 'Leonids' shower will arrive.

The Leonids should peak around the 17th with 10-15 meteors per hour, but can be seen from now until the 21st. The meteor storm is associated with the comet Tempel-Tuttle, which has a 33 year cycle. In a good year thousands of meteors have been seen per hour.


From Erik Arnesen, Oslo: A critical Look at our Godless Society (1913) inspired by a Leonids shower

Shart

I was once told that the definition of 'Shart' is most aptly explained by the sound of 'shart rockers' "The Fisticuffs". The Turd Dictionary defines it as 'Poop that is emitted when you fart. Often an accidental occurance'.

My definition today was inspired when I had to walk past several art exhibits in my workplace by a local artist. I do often enjoy modern 'random colours on canvas' but these paintings left me more than unispired to get out my paint brush and start splattering. The only saving grace of the exhibition is that someone allowed the artist to recreate a painting on a brand new E-Class which adorns our reception.


£60,000k to Scrap-Yard fodder in 2 days.

From Shart to over priced apple trees

On the other end of the art spectrum, an art auction fetched a record breaking £255m in New York yesterday. One of the paintings on sale was Gustav Klimt's 'Apple Tree I'. the painting looks surprisingly similar to one of the 'Sharts' gracing the office walls. But selling at £17.2m I guess it must be superior.

Klimt was an Austrian artist born in 1862 who was often critiscise for the 'pornographic' nature of his paintings. He was comissioned to paint three works for the Great Hall in the University of Vienna, but due to their erotic nature they were never exhibited. The 3 paintings were destroyed by the retreating SS in 1945. (A likely story - please see 'Allo Allo' episodes 1-42 {or rather not}).


Herr Otto flick and Olga , the erotic element of the sitcom 'Allo Allo'

Don't go in the House

in honour of the recently re-united Captain Cakeshop

When I was at University me and 2 other renegades (the Ape and Captain Cakeshop) chipped in 20 quid each to buy an outdated VHS player to fill our dull evenings at Larch Court with video entertainment from our local (very pants) video rental store.

We quickly realised that it was possible to use a microphone to record music or voices on to tapes and soon we being the 'pranksters' that we were decided to abuse crap horror movies from the afore-mentioned store.

One in particular was the movie 'Don't go in the house' . Apart from the Cinematographer 'Oliver Wood' this seems to be the only or last film of almost the whole cast's career. So I don't feel at all guilty that we spoiled the film for future rentals by whispering 'Don't go in the house' at various points of the film.

After random sabotage, I decided to use this facility to make short videos to music by using clips from music vidoes and reportages of the music scene we were into at the time.

If youtube was around at the time I'm sure i would have been on uploading these videos.
Alas it wasn't so now it is I decided to have a bash at vidoe editing again this afternoon. It took me an hour so don't expect anything 'Oliver Wood' quality as I only had 4 video clips on my camera.

I present for your delectation 'Please Please Please', created and inspired by my recent refutation by my employee for another position.

Name that Moon in one

OK. Here's a challenge. The moon was lighting up the sky early this evening and temptingly sitting in view from the 'back gard' so I got the old telescope out to have a quick peek. The moon is in its 'first quarter'. When the moon has a shadow like it does now it seems to accentuate the features close to the shadow. And at this point in the moons phases a very large crater at the top stands out.

So the challenge is name that crater.

My pic is not that great ...again!. But it is clear enough.

Zendens shirt

I went to Akkies Bar in Maastricht last night which is next door to ex-Boro Boudewijn Zenden's families' gym. Proudly standing behind the bar was a Boro shirt signed by Zenden. I had been told by someone about a year ago that the shirt had been replaced by a Liverpool shirt, but following Mr Zenden's lack of appearances the management have decided to put the Boro one up again.


Bench Sitting Fetish

Out in the sticks

Yesterday I had probably the hardest breakdown location in 2 years of working when a chummy yorkshireman rang in with a location near darlo. After asking me where I was he was not too convinced I would find him. "Eye up lad they have ney idee". I tried to convince him by telling him I knew the NYork Moors quite well.

Our man in distress had been picking mushrooms. And a generous lady had brought him back to his house leaving the car in the back and beyond. "Oh it t'was vey kind lark, but she shuddna werry coz im arnly an awl baldy gadgy , ney harm."

After the original distress he started to explain where he was. But it wasn't that easy.

He had been living in the area a long time and had only just found this farm track himself. After 10 minutes I thought i had it. I asked him if he would mind meeting the technician up there....


Only 30 minutes from Darlo

"Nee lad we'll make a dahy of it . Aye'll tahk a picnic liykh and we can hav a game of footy"

Very comic for a 70 yr awld gadge. Anyway I was a bit concerned we would find him so I asked the tech to go and pick him up from him house instead. And after arriving at the so called broken down vehicle it turns out that it wasn't broken down at all. He didn't know how to use the manual key in his electronic key fob and it would have started if he had use it.

As he said "It's a nice day for a trip up the moors like". And so it was for both of them.

After sending the tech into no-mans land (An Army firing range) I was curious to see this so called 'middle of nowhere'. Live local shows it is a bit barren up there. I don't know what the MOD are doing up ther but the land looks a little strange. Tank tracks maybe?, Not the best place to be picking mushrooms.


Mushrooms are not that expensive at Darligtons Morrisons Supermarket.