Phil Taylor 9 dart finish Topic IDL

I was playing darts this afternoon and finished in 9 throws. Just like Phil Taylor did last night in the Topic International Darts League in Nijmegen. He won a car which he immediately gave to a Dutch couple who ferry him from Hotel to venue each day, as they had had an accident and wrote of their van.

My old bangers #3

Following the disappointment of the Bucket-mobile, I was determinded to not get ripped off and find a car that lasted this time. Since the financial write-off I had had some good news that I had landed a well paid job in Luxembourg so the bank was willing to lend me some money to buy a new car. This time I was not holding back and my budget was £1500-.

Since my last purchase a good friend's brother had set up a 2nd hand car business in Stockton so my first stop was to ask him some advice. Instead of advice I left an hour or so later with a car. My criteria was : cheap, reliable, MOT-passable, and will get me to Luxembourg in one piece.

I came away with a maroon Ford Sierra 1.6L with about 80,000 miles on the clock. I was reliably informed by the salesman that this car would more than likely go twice round the clock before it packed up. So the trip to Luxembourg should be no problem. It ended up doing the round trip about 5 times.

The car lasted me over 4 years with almost no major problems in the whole time. When it came to change to a newer model it was indeed almost approaching 200,000 miles.

The Goodbye Trip

We set off to Brockham in Surrey, where a friend was going to sell the car in the UK for me as it was not possible to sell in NL. I should have actually registered the car on arrival in Holland but it was too much of a plus point that I never had to pay a parking fine over the last 4 years.

The plan was to spend the evening in Ostend before driving down to Calais and on to Brockham.Unfortunately the car decided this last trip was going to be the one time it decided to be petulant. Approaching Ostend it broke down on the motorway. As I didn't have any breakdown cover at the time and was not too worried about the oil spray all over the engine we waited 30 mins and it started again and we made it to Ostend.

After sampling many Belgian Beers the next day we apprehensively made our way to Calais in Force 7 gales down the Belgian and French coasts. I don't think the constant spray of sand against the car helped it's present fragile state.

The crossing in the ferry was the worst I had ever experienced. The waves were coming over the top of the ferry and I feared the worst for the car taking this beating down below. Sure enough my worst fears were realised and the car gave up totally on the motorway out of Dover.

The car was taken by a tow truck company, who informed us there was a hole in the side of the engine and they then recovered us from the roadside. We made our way to Brockham by the tow truck driver, a bus, another bus, a train, another train and a taxi. A 12 hour journey that should have been about 4.

The next day I called the recovery company and was told the bill would be about £300-. I suggested they take the car instead and they promptly agreed. I hope they never received a huge bill from Luxembourg and Maastricht City councils for 4 years of unpaid parking tickets.

The next day we ceremoniously threw the car keys into Brockham beck. Surprsingly the car was never scrapped as I recently found out from a HPI check it has now had 6 owners.

Bought: 1994
Price: £1500-
Mileage: 80,000
Costs: minimal
Sold: £300
Max Speed: 115mph
Mileage obatined: 110,000
Overall rating: 8/10

My old bangers #2

Continuing the abysmal history in the automotive market, my first real car purchase was another disaster. After receiving a loan from the bank to purchase a car in the £1000- region I set of in search of my own first set of wheels. Rather than study the <£1000- market I decided instead to take the first car I looked at as I was so eager to own a vehicle of my own. In Stockton there was a 'Swiss Toni' character lying in wait for me. I should have smelled a rat when he explained why he wasn't using his own house to sell the car. He didn't have enough car space so his cousin had gladly let him use her empty drive.


"Trust me I'm from Stockton!"

I drove off in my shiny Blue Rover 216 and £750 lighter. Swiss Toni says 'Cars are like women'. If so this car was going to turn out to be the bitch from hell.

On my first long distance trip to Hemel Hempstead the Rover 216 decided to breakdown in a one-lane part of the M1 during roadworks. After 10 minutes of hell and abuse it decided to start again. On Radio 1 I heard that there were 10 mile tailbacks due to a car breaking down. I stopped at the first service station and signed up with the RAC immediately. Not a unwise choice as approaching Stokesley on the A19 it broke down again so after a 2 hour wait I was towed home with a knackered alternator.

A few weeks later I was towed from the A66 near Stockton with a failed clutch. Shortly after the brakes started scraping and had to have all pads and disks replaced.

After 6 months it was up for its MOT. The car failed on about 15 points. One of the main ones being that the frame of the car under the windscreen was so rotten that the windscreen was about to fall out. I was quoted around £1000- to get the car driveable so I decided to put it in the paper for 'spares or repair' for £300-.

Surprisingly enough a young lad from Premier Road in Ormesby came and paid £300-for it. I asked my Mother who was there when he came round to be honest about the car. But he insisted he was going to love fixing it and as he was training to be a mechanic it would be good practise.

So all in all not a good buy, but the worst part of owning this car was not the hassle, the unpredictability, the costs, the disappointments or the tears its was this.............


Hyacinth and Richard Bucket minding the pedestrians.

Strangely enough I don't think I ever realised at the time that I was driving the same car as Richard Bucket . I can honestly say I never felt at all happy to be driving the Rover 216, but whenever I see an episode of 'Keeping up appearances' the bitter memories of my first 'real' car become a little more bitter.

Bought: 1993
Price: £750-
Mileage: 110,000
Costs: £1000+
Sold: £300
Max Speed: 100mph
Mileage obatined: 5,000
Overall rating: 0/10

next episode: Another Stockton based 2nd hand car salesman (now a lawyer) sells me a car that lasts.

My old bangers #1

The simca was the start of a love affair for rubbish cars

When Clarckson always grills his guests about what cars they have owned it always makes me think. Have I ever had a car I really wanted. Likely answer is no. Due to financial circumstances mostly I have taken what was affordable and acceptable later to realise I had made a bad choice.
My first car was actually given to me by my Mother as I almost destroyed it and she had had enough of it. It lasted about a week or two after in a desperate attempt to improve the brakes I made it undriveable by bleeding all the brake fluid from the system.

I came home from college to find Mum had forked out £50 for some gypos to take the beast away.

The Simca 1000; It was very difficult to find a realistic picture of the Simca. As it was quite a succesful rally car. And most pictures on the 'net' are recreating that success. In truth the road model was a death trap. I remember my first time in it I reached 60mph and the car started speed wobbling all over the road.

Bought: 1985
Price: £500
Mileage: 15,000
Costs: very low
Sold: -£50
Max Speed: 60mph - didn't dare try faster
Mileage obatined: 20,000
Overall rating: 6/10


Luxurious interior of the Simca 1000

Comments: An excellent value car with low mileage and comedy factor of the gold paint job and bouncy seats. This iconic car delivered as a true 'fanny magnet'.

Some Simca facts:

Simca was purchased by Daimler Chrysler

Simcas were the most popular cars in France in the post-war years

The Spanish parody group Los Inhumanos released a popular party song titled Qué difícil es hacer el amor en un Simca 1000 ("How difficult it is to make love in a Simca 1000").

Off Roading it

At work today I was treated to a test drive in the new GL-Class Mercedes. On the trip we did a bit off road to show the fantastic versatility of the vehicle's suspension, ride height and handling that is essential for an off road vehicle.

We let the car do it's stuff on its own as it descended a 45% hill on an angle at 6 km/h. You could hear all the systems jumping into action, while the driver had no feet on any pedals. The car can raise up 25cm in ride height. It can ascend a steep slope at full revs but will compensate for your bad driving ability and suppress your over-zealous acceleration which would produce wheel spin.

All round a great car. And only 90,000 Euros an absolute bargain . And worth it for Mr and Mrs Urquhart when they take the kiddies around the corner to school in Enfield.

GL 320 CDI Euros 90.800
GL 420 CDI Euros 116.800
GL 450 Euros 112.900
GL 500 Euros 124.600

Playing the Dummy at work

This afternoon i had to speak 350 odd phrases into a Laptop. These phrases will be later played through a dummy in a vehicle at varying speeds to test a new voice recognition system for future cars. I felt a bit of a dick talking to a pc "Enable entertainment system" ; "hospitals and medical centres" ; "Wales" (?) ; "switch to 197.5 FM".

After a short test run the guy running it said "Is that the way you usually talk to a machine or your normal voice". I don't talk to machines that much but I guess he was right it wasn't my natural voice. So I tried to be normal whilst I was tell Mr IBM Notebook to "alter destinataion by 1KM!".

This is not the first time have done this would you believe. Such a bizarre task. Yet before starting my present job I managed to nail 2.5 hours of work with a company working for Renault doing the same thing. That time though i had to do it in a moving car. First we did it in McDonalds Car Park (ooh err Mrs), then at 60Km/h on a country road, and finally at 110 Km/h on the motorway. The system performed so badly at 110Km/h the driver had to turn back on himself as we were running out of highway.

Me: "Call Mr Smith!"
PC: "Please repeat . I do not understand"
Me: "Call Mr Smith!"
PC:"Please repeat . I do not understand"
Me: "CALL MR SMITH!!!!!!!!!"
PC:"Please repeat . I do not understand"
Me: "Oh fuck it give me the phone"
PC:"Calling Mr Smith now"